my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
is it fun? or sober?
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