So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
