I'm sorry my penis didn't work
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
