im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
