I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
