I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
