Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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