I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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