Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
you inspire me to be a worse person
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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