peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
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Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
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I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
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