I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Drunk is not a location!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
