You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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