So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
