Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
