the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
