yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
