he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
