She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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