A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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