I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
