there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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