I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
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Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
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But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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