Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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