fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
