i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
