I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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