woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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