You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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