Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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