i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
