I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
