There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
