Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
