Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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