By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Are we still banned from the library?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
