Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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