I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
