Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
