after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
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It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
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I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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