Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
