peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
