My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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