I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
