On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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