I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Shame - the story of my life.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
