; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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