I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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