I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
