I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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