after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
