connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
