I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
